THE POWER OF CONNECTION

“But do we truly connect with one another?”

I remember when I was in high school, this new technology called email and instant messaging surfaced. It blew our minds. Live interactive chats at a click of button, wow! Some 20 years later, I smile at how primitive we once were. Because today, I can connect with someone in the furthest place on Earth as easily as I could with my next-door neighbour. In our world of tweets, likes and followers, connection seems like an everyday, all-the-time kind-of-thing. But do we truly connect with one another? Whilst we may have many more interactions, the real meaning of connection can be easily forgotten. Brene Brown, a renowned professor and author, defines connection “as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship”. What stops us from connecting in this manner?

“In a nutshell, it is our prejudices.”

I want to share my experiences of an exceptional workshop recently. There, I learned that one possible reason for lack of connection is unconscious bias. Unconscious bias is something we all possess whether we’re able to recognize it or not. It “refers to the stereotypes, both negative and positive, that exist in our subconscious and affect our behaviour”. In a nutshell, it is our prejudices. And as a South African, prejudice is a word that is unfortunately well-known. Prejudice separates people rather than uniting them.

“Prejudice is a mist, which in our journey through the world often dims the brightest and obscures the best of all the good and glorious objects that meet us on our way.” —Lord Shaftesbury

I thought of myself as an open-minded, all-accepting individual but, guess what? I realised I have biases too. And I do not think that there is a person on this planet that is without some form of bias. The workshop set-out to help us eradicate these beliefs. Or at least, make us question our opinions. It presented to us the fact that, because we may think in a certain way, it does not necessarily make that way true or correct. A fundamental lesson of the workshop was to know and understand yourself.

“The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when they get to know each other.” —Captain Kirk, the Starship Enterprise

As we went through the reason and nature of biases and the more-often-than-not shocking consequences in society, a beautiful theme emerged for me; be less judgmental and more compassionate. In a group of 8 people attending the course we achieved this by telling our story. We were asked to name 3 things that defined and shaped our lives. This question was posed to a group of colleagues and it was asking us to be vulnerable, to break down the walls and share openly. It was not an easy feat but, when we did, a new picture formed about some people. Why? Because I had a pre-conceived idea – I judged, I had a bias. However, in a short 8-hour session, I understood each person a little better and it allowed me to be more respectful. In showing compassion, judging less and showing and accepting vulnerability, I eliminated some of my own biases. The stories we told connected us on a deeper level than our daily interactions that we sometimes do not give a thought to.

“Because we’re afraid of showing vulnerability.”

We all have our stories. The aspects and events in our lives that have shaped, defined, broken or healed us, Yet, we are so quick to hide these parts of ourselves. But what we don’t often realise is that it is these parts of us, the good, the bad or the ugly, that make us beautifully human. So why do we hide it? Because we’re afraid of showing vulnerability. Vulnerability is sometimes thought of as a weakness, but in fact, it is a strength. However, our fear of being judged drives us to shy away from being vulnerable. We’re not wrong to feel like that because there will be people who won’t understand, who will choose to make fun of or belittle what you are saying. But that’s OK. In the end, a lesson that we all learn is that we tell our story for ourselves. And if owning your story allows you to judge less and to be more compassionate and kinder to one another, then we are all one step closer to a better society.

The Human Library®

In Denmark an initiative was started called The Human Library® where you can “borrow” a person instead of a book. You get to listen to their life for about 30 minutes. It was “designed to challenge stigma and stereotypes”. The concept is that it “creates a safe space for dialogue where topics are discussed openly between human books and their readers”. This type of human interaction creates the type of connection as defined by Brene Brown, and readers take away valuable lessons from such an experience.

“Be proud of your story.”

There is great power in connecting and interacting with each other in these ways. I encourage every one of you reading this to go out and tell your story – tell it to your partner, to your parents or children, to your friends or neighbours or even to yourself. Be proud of your story. If you find that there are aspects about yourself that you want to change, then do it. You have the power within yourself. Most importantly, be kind to yourself and in doing that you will find that you will be kinder to others and it will allow the power of connection to brings us closer.

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