Statistics show that single parenting in RSA is at an all-time high. It is estimated that 62% of children in the country are raised by a single parent. Just over 40% of households in RSA are led by single parents. The global economic situation continues to deteriorate. Technological advancements are changing the dynamics of socialisation, increasing a culture of isolation. One can, therefore, understand how taxing parenting alone can be in this era.
A recent survey conducted on the #ImStaying platform indicated that the one great need that single parents lack, is support. Considering how large the community of single parents is, it does indeed require deeper research into why so many amazing individuals feel so alone in their difficult journey of parenting alone. What has caused significant difficulty in one embracing the possibility of a different existence has been a few elephants let into the single parenting room. I will address but two of them.
ELEPHANT 1: PAIN AND SHAME
Generally a life of single parenting is entered through a painful door: be it death, divorce, abandonment or separation. In many of these instances, there is a prevalent perception that the burden of parenting alone must be born in silence. In some instances, this may be due to an unspoken stigma that the pain and discomforts associated with parenting alone are a consequence of bad decisions. In other instances, the parent does not want to burden anyone with the difficulty they are faced with. Regardless of how single parenting came to be, there are often many negative emotions that one is required to parent through. A menu of some sort, be it loneliness, guilt, shame, bitterness, anger, fear, self-judgment, or regret.
Too often, instead of one feeling free to reach out for support during their times of difficulty, a parent may deem it ‘easier’ to respond with a toxic sense of duty where one feels they have a responsibility to bear the load alone regardless of how overwhelming this is. This myriad of ingredients has sadly led too many amazing individuals down a path to depression. The choice to isolate is often a result of feelings associated with shame, fear or maybe even mistrust. One may also feel the need to avoid the added burden of labels and stigma that come with the selfless task of single parenting. They thus would rather, in solitude, embark on the journey of single parenting as best they can, often at great cost to their own mental health and wellness.
ELEPHANT 2: LABELS
Negative labels attached to honourable roles seek to steal the value of the role. We live in a society that has normalised unfair labels given single mothers. Single moms are often associated with terms such as “baby-mama-drama”, “fruit basket”, “irresponsible”, and other such stigmas that seemingly take away from the value related to raising children alone in the challenging era in which we find ourselves. Like a life sentence, many a single parent soldiers on in silence and dares not reach out, at times even to the fathers, because of the possibility of added pain. If anything, your current role proves that you are strong and phenomenal for taking on a task that requires two to perform. In contrast, it takes an astounding person to nurture a family alone in these times.
HEALING…
The dynamics surrounding commencing single parenting are seldom good and in this part of the article we will explore various ways one can journey through emotional distress related to single parenting. Let us call it overcoming the hurdles of perception and pain. There are a few things to normalise in one’s mind as one journeys towards healing.
Avoid toxic crowds and accept help from healthy company…
You are not a bad mom for admitting it can get difficult and you need help. You need to remove this insane expectation off yourself that says you can do this on your own. There is an African saying: ‘A child is raised by a village.’ Regardless the circumstances that surround your becoming a single parent, you do not owe yourself a lifetime of emotional pain as some toxic idea of recompense for your past. We all need somebody to lean on once in a while. Get around people who uplift you through difficult seasons and encourage you out of dark alleys into greater heights.
Learn not to echo dark thoughts about yourself back to yourself no matter how true the words seem. Meditate on goodness, incline your thoughts away from darkness to light, this task in itself would require the assistance of good company and professional assistance. Get out of the place of isolation and find you some good people. You deserve a break. For those times when your thoughts aren’t able to levitate towards goodness, it matters who you have surrounded yourself with. Healthy support is a powerful resource on your journey to attaining mental wellness and raising healthy-minded children. Avoid toxic acquaintances.
Also, normalise cutting off toxic acquaintances even if they are a family.
You can’t help who is in the world but you can decide who is allowed in your space. Be wise and economic about who you allow into your ‘sacred space’ from where your decisions flow and which informs your uptake on life. Befriend according to where you want to see yourself and your children and not where you are if you are in a depressed space. Normalise consulting a therapist, social worker, psychologist, spiritual leader for the betterment of your mental health. Also, normalise cutting off toxic acquaintances even if they are a family. You need all the positivity you can get. For that to be attained, there are some difficult decisions you would have to make.
Garbage in garbage out…
Use this principle as a deciding factor for what you allow into your home space. Your mental health and that of your children will be affected either adversely or progressively as a result of what you feed your mind. Whether it be through conversations, TV, social media or other content platforms. As much as we live in a society that advocates for us caring for our bodies by what we put into them, it matters what you feed your mind. ‘Eat’ towards the life you want; do not eat from the menu of a life you wouldn’t want to reap.
Religiosity, the pursuit of purpose, and reaching out to the dreams you once had as a child are all beautiful steps towards overcoming the hurdles and challenges built by a scarred past that has negatively altered your perceptions. So is changing the actions that brought you pain and denying yourself the comfort zones that make stagnation resident.
Know that you are absolutely incredible for all the efforts you put into your children’s betterment. Remember to also pay attention to your own dreams in a meaningful way. Free yourself of the perceptions of starting on a perfect footing, no success story did. Spare no effort in reclaiming your mental health and returning to that healthy mindset location where challenges are opportunities for growth and where obstacles become stepping stones. Get rid of your fear of failure, there isn’t a single success story I have heard of that isn’t paved with some pretty impressive mess-ups.
“You possess within you all the wonders you seek outside.”
I love the words I recently learned in my own spiritual journey: “You possess within you all the wonders you seek outside”. Truth is: the blows we experience seek to dispute the truth of the power we carry within. I have come to believe, the greater the blows the greater the destiny. No matter what you have faced, bad encounters still need your permission to torment you in a future mental space. They need your agreement in order to take up a rental place in your life. We can never change the past, but we can disarm its ability to touch our futures.
The goal of pain has always been for you to decide from an unsound place and to make you believe what is just not true about your tomorrow. It is time for you to serve a few negative perceptions an eviction notice and embark, with the assistance of loving, progressive, and joyful company, on a journey that will bring you a new and beautiful existence.
Lastly, allow for correction where correction is needed. Let me end by saying that events do not have to turn into life sentences. As you forgive, let go and believe and do differently, you have open up lodging for a new and beautiful existence. Remember, your creator made sure to store within you all that you would need to make it in this life. Reach into your internal treasury of astounding strength. Reach for wisdom to advise your steps henceforth and persist in empowering your progress through positive actions and thoughts. You will soon enough discover that the seeds of hope and newness you have sown will translate into you having a life you never imagined. You are not starting from scratch; you are starting from experience. The pain was never a permanent fixture, it was an opportunity for breath-taking strength, the kind that will help you forge an equally breath-taking future. It is possible. Turn one day into day one.
P.S. You are a queen…
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